I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
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Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles