I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
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*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
SF is the wild wild west man
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35