I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
good work, detective
Sooo many times…..
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.