I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Day 2 of my diet
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Meow
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.