I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.