He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
translated into Canadian
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: