I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate