I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir