“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
You Might Also Like
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Wednesday
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.