“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*