@robfee: I don't want a Hot Pocket. I'd rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.
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@DirtMcTurd: For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
@HannahAntics: I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
@iwearaonesie: wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing
@squirrel74wkgn: Can you at least smile if you're gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc? (takes off rubber glove) "You can pull up your pants now."