“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?