I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Sell your car
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night