[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.