baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Happy Caturday!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
There’s never enough good news
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it