@sexypitabread: "I don't want no scrubs" a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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@Brampersandon_: [hospital] *crying* Jim it's your turn to change the baby *picks up baby* -Ok brb *comes back holding a black baby* -I think they're onto us
@ElKnuckelhombre: Doctor: Describe your headache. Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.
@MAngelo505: What I said : Just a trim, please. What hairdresser must've heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
@AverageCorners: I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.