“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information