“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”