I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
New favorite tiktok
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Straight people are cancelled
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.