@jordan_stratton: I don't want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
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@kwirkyKerri: All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should've just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: "Frozen" is on TV! Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download. 4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
@Playing_Dad: If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
@prufrockluvsong: Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It's always waaay too spicy and doesn't taste anything like avocados.