I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
A game married people play.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.