I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.