@dresspants: I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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@david8hughes: Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
@KentWGraham: If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
@Fat_Jalbert: Waiter: how would you like your steak? Me: rare [later] Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it* Me: *tearing up* perfect