@dresspants: I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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@causticbob: I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"
@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
@Parkerlawyer: I got a message on Facebook that said, "Your a lawyer, right?" Me, "*You're." May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
@TaylorVirtue: I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I've been holding this door open for 3 days. Send help.