I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]