I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
work smarter, not harder
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.