“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
You Might Also Like
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go