I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.