Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
These 3D printers are insane!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.