Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?