Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
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The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Y’all ready for this
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.