Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.