“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
You Might Also Like
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
jesus, what did this guy do
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’ll be mad as hell!
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.