“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.