I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.