I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
This cat wants you to take your pills
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”