I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
oh my god
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Sing it!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends