I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
my retirement plan is braless
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.