I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Google assistant rules
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.