I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Your password is two shorts
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.