@HabeasDorkis: I don't wear sunglasses because it's unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it's an inch from my eye I'm all "um, no."
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@JohnCleese: Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
@robfee: Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations. "Our son is covered in pentagrams!" Well maybe he's just allergic to dairy.
@Sickayduh: "Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead." "Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?"
@platinum2000: "If you're pregnant you can't get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?" I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.