@HabeasDorkis: I don't wear sunglasses because it's unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it's an inch from my eye I'm all "um, no."
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@rolldiggity: "What should we name this fruit?" "Passion!" "..." "..." "Let's not let Todd name any more fruits."
@_NTFG_: I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
@flahertykeely: stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went "ooooo" in a chorus of dismay