I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE