Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese