Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Meat Cute
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work