@MrSandeepP: I dont't want to die a virgin because that means I'll have to have sex with terrorists.
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@audipenny: Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
@WritePlay: *robbing a bank with a chainsaw* Me: GIVE ME ALL Y- Teller: WHAT M: GIVE ME THE MONEY T: SIR YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT IN HERE M: WHAT
@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@ThatsSarcasm: *Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.