@MrSandeepP: I dont't want to die a virgin because that means I'll have to have sex with terrorists.
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@stephenjmolloy: Mafia boss: "I want him swimming with the fishes!" *later at the coral reef* Me: "This is amazing!" Mafia boss: "Anything for you."
@jewfacekilla: "Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
@tastefactory: A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they'll do nicely"