@MrSandeepP: I dont't want to die a virgin because that means I'll have to have sex with terrorists.
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@Kimgee8: Apparently "naked" is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
@MartaEffing: Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.
@SuperJuanderer: [cats on a date in a fancy restaurant] Male: I can't decide if I want tuna or the salmon. Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table
@Lisa_Laughs_: When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.