Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.