I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
📽️movie date🎞️