@simoncholland: I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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@PresidentGrimes: I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers. America needs a first lady.
@KentWGraham: If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
@Old_Pat_Bren: Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I really like you ME: I like you too HER: So did you bring protection? ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony