@simoncholland: I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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@gossipgriII: using microsoft word *moves an image 1 mm to the left* all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
@XplodingUnicorn: God: I made something new. It's like a tornado, but smaller. Angel: What do you call it? God: A toddler.
@Tetley6969: I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don't have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
@caperbc75: "Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You're getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!" - the Abdominal Snowman