I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?