I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
You Might Also Like
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Risking my life for fun.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.