I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]