I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
You Might Also Like
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.