@Laser_Cat: I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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@bridger_w: When I'm worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
@weinerdog4life: one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
@TheToddWilliams: [murder trial] LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes? COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
@DaddyJew: Dad: I had a son once Stranger: what happened to him? D: he touched the thermostat Kid: dad, I'm like right here D: you hear something?