@lovemydogduck: I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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@Samzen_: Judge: You shot him. How do you plead? Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding Judge: HAHA Me: HAHA *High five? Judge: Ten years with no bail
@aka_fatman: Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....
@Wakenbake77: Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat