I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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I think this should do it.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.