I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.